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Dr. Backflips Hoffman

[ website | BRUTE FORSYTH ]
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[21 May 2007|08:46am]
I opened Google and completely forgot what i was looking for so i just started looking up photos of Bacon while i waited for breakfast to cook.

About 5am tomorrow i'll figure it out and suddenly shout "PORN!! THATS IT!!"
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[02 Mar 2007|01:29pm]
The shit with this bitch
Yo I said I'm calling you B.
Yo B it's the phone
Yo B.
"May I help you?"
"Yes what's your name?"
"Hello?"
"Hello man you got Cookypuss's number?"
"Here's my supervisor, he'll help you"
"Yo man, where's the supervisor at?
I-I got the number anyway baby!
That bitch hang up on me"
These pussy crumbs are making me itch!
Ah Cookypuss, HEY! Ah Cookypuss
Maybe I should scratch
Aaahhn, B-E-A-S-T-I-E go!
"My real name is"
"My real name is"
"My sisters name was"
Scratch
Cookypuss, cook, cook, cook, scratch, scratch.
Oh,cook, cook, cook, cook oh cookypuss
"And my mother got to call us for dinner"
"Yo, yo, yo!"
Cookypuss. Pussy crumbs, what are pussy crumbs?
"Take me home and eat me, yeah!"
Bitch, I'll fuckin' kick your ass bitch.
"Hello, Carvel?"
"Yo man Cookypuss there?"
"Who?"
"Cookypuss, I want to speak to Cookypuss man!"
"No. Nobody here by that name."
"A Cooky O' Puss then. Cookychic, anybody man, I want to speak to them!"
"There not here."
"I said, I house ya, where's Cookie Puss at?
Yo I'm serious, I wanna talk to.. yo man
Cookypuss, alright let, let me order one then, let me get one."
"When do you want it for?"
"Anytime man, just like now and shit, you know, that shit now.
I'm talkin' now B. Damn bitch hang up, I'll kick your ass bitch"
"Yo yo yo"
"Yo yo yo"
"Beastie Boys rock!"
"Beastie Boys"
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[26 Feb 2007|10:06am]
Every day, I wake up and pray to Jah
And he increases the number of clocks by exactly one
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[17 Feb 2007|03:01pm]
Of all the films i thought i'd never find in town, i found Superfly on DVD for 12 quid in Virgin, now i went looking for Shaft originally but for some batty reason which i can only assume was the fault of whitey - nowhere had Shaft (im quite aware of the hilarious double entrendres on offer here).

I forgot howw eird an ending Sueprfly had,i'd only seen it once before buying this and remembered it as some insane drug fuelled pimp led kung fu action blaxploitation flick. There's a bit of that but the ends just so fucking odd.

The chief of police informs Superfly he wont let him leave the drug dealing business, Superfly knocks the shit out of his two henchmen and stands there, looks at the police chief and says "I GOT A CONTRACT ON YOU - I SO MUCH AS CHOKE ON A FUCKIN' CHICKENBONE AND YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS GONE, Y'DIG??" and drives off into the sun. and thats it.

Luckily i;ve got a copy of Black Belt Jones to repair any faith i might have lost in god awful but charming early 70's underground cinema.

Hello, by the way, since i last posted Walk The Plank split up and i'm certain whenever a video shows up i'll be there covered in shit mud and eber with my trousers nearly half off trying to sign along. It never goes right, ever.
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[21 Jan 2007|01:41pm]
That was a great gig, but it felt like about eight hangovers when i came out of it. and then it started pissing down!
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[16 Jan 2007|10:16pm]
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[15 Jan 2007|01:42am]
ding dong the bells are going to shine
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[07 Jan 2007|10:08am]
I went over the co-op before to buy breakfast and the paper, when i got back i managed to find the power to clean the room, anyway, i found this old Superboy comic from about 1984 when terrifying adverts from out of peoples basements were all the rage.

One such advert promised X Ray specs, not the band no, god forbid. Anyway, there was a crudely drawn picture of some kid amazing some girl by sowing her the bones in her hand without the aid of a sickle, but completely through the x ray glasses. i forget what they were charging, i didn't check, i had a bit of an itchy arse to be honest.

Other adverts promised other shite, liquid smoke that appears from your fingertips, rattlesnake eggs, armored headgear, etc etc.

Anyway, similar to the adventure of old phone lines last year, i've decided to investiage this further, i've sent a letter with an SAE to each of the adresses that interested me, with an assortment of letters, some of them ordering items (without cash, too lazy to exchange) and some of them demanding information on where the former tenants who originally placed these adverts into the comics, i figured i should go for the forceful route so i typed up the letters using the literal spelling of comedy german words, like from Allo Allo, for example.

I've seen a few features on things like this, scanned adverts and what not, but i still want to get to the bottom of it, i want to find out where the hell these people who sold electric hand buzzers for a living have gotten to, since it was new york mostly maybe some of them got caught up in new wave and developed disabilities due to gang bangs and drugs, maybe some of them got office jobs with now diosconnected phone lines.

Similar to wondering how the hell someone would egt a job at the ace place on dale street or something, a job selling magic tricks? and wowing small kids who you know aren't going to buy anything so you get your whole family to come down from the upstairs and stare at them until they leave, the kind of life any normal person would want to lead until it all gets torn down to make way for office blocks, or, if you're an abandoned board games shop, gets turned into gourmet burger.

odd.
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[05 Jan 2007|08:52am]
Now christmas is over, the shops have started re-stocking ardennes paté rather than the expensive shite made of geese necks and unicorn shit.

I can enjoy my toast with pate in peace.

the world of pate - serious business.
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[01 Jan 2007|01:46pm]
start as you mean to go on....

so i'm gonna watch quincy.
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[31 Dec 2006|03:10pm]
2006. fucking boring, every last bit of it. i did at least manage to see grandmaster flash!
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[21 Dec 2006|11:52am]
Last night i rang 1-900 MIX-A-LOT like the song says. Sadly, there was no answer
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[17 Dec 2006|03:05pm]
this art theft gang isnt going aswell as id hoped, i got a letter back from Coolio's agent today saying

"Dear Mr. Hoffman

Please refrain from inviting my client to steal artwork, he is a busy man

regards
MBula Jones"

without him i don't think it can really take off
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[27 Nov 2006|05:22am]
bill wasnt lying, it really is windy, why i moved the computer to the roof of the shed ill never know
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[01 Nov 2006|06:11am]
Frank Sidebottom as Danzig

ther'es nothing better.
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[25 Oct 2006|08:12am]
I was in town yesterday in marks and spencers for undisclosed reasons, i was going down the escalator and had the strangest urge to mutter "fuuuuuuuuck off" to the M&S clerk going past in the escalator next to mine.

The meatball marinara i bought was only about four inches too i reckon, i know sandwiches, i've won awards for them, and that wasn't long enough.
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[18 Oct 2006|08:33pm]
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[18 Oct 2006|07:15am]
I keep finding reviews for that gig we did in toe's garage last year, i still feel really bad about it.

i don't feel too good at all, shit.
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[19 Sep 2006|08:28am]
After drinking about four cups of coffee, im determined to get a job, i have to get one, sitting here on national talk like a pirate day is just too depressing to contemplate, a job is needed so i can buy things, things that will make others jealous, like a big fucking sombrero.

The satisfaction of signing off would be great, then i could afford a gym membership and a pair of spandex shreddies.

I've got terrible toothache, which always happens after drinking, and a bad habit of being an idiot

i just went outside to the shop and fucking snow patrol were outside the kwikky, fucking snow patrol, im stood there like "shit" so i fucking twat all four of them.
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got bored.. [08 Sep 2006|04:04pm]
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